Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"Life as I Know It"

by: Justin Tison

Where am I supposed to be in the world right now? How many people ask themselves this question? Is life a constant struggle? When are we happy? Are the dead the only people that feel the warmth of true happiness?

Wind Vane, Weather cock, Weather vaneImage via WikipediaI am a directionless arrow right now. I am a wind vane swirling around in the wind storm of life. I point nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I am lost. I am confused. I feel as if I have nothing to show for 27 years of life. If this is all there is in the universe, am I going to die happy? Are the people who are afraid of death the ones who have done nothing while they were alive?

I want to give so much of myself to the world. I want to be successful. I want to be proud of myself and what I do. I want those closest to me in my life to be proud of me and what I have accomplished.

I swirl around in the wind pointing towards nothing and everything at the same time. Where do I go? I am burdened with these questions now more than anything else. It’s not as if all my life is bad, it is just the professional aspect that tears at my heart and burns my gut. I fear the future because I do not see where I am going. I do not see my purpose.

When do people find professional success? Am I supposed to be at a certain place by a certain time? The societal burden of being successful, the measures that we as Americans use to determine our self-worth, leave me wanting so much more. They leave my heart feeling empty and unsatisfied. Why cannot I live off the love I give and receive each and every day? I would be one of the wealthiest people on the continent if that measure of personal success was used by those around us.

My life is brimming with love often to the point where I run out of places to store it. It is a career and the prestige that supposedly comes with that I am missing. Why does this leave me longing for so much?

With a life filled with so much love, laughter and happiness I should want for nothing. Yet I sit here, self-worth diminished because I cannot figure out where I belong in the rat race.

I wonder how many people experience the opposite of this. How many people have nothing in their lives but their jobs and experience no love or personal happiness? Are those people happier than I am right now? Is there unhappiness greater? Is it just different but no less stinging and uncomfortable? Do they long for what they do not have? Is it as obvious to others?

I have a lot of questions right now and am searching for the answers. Probably like most people in this world. The struggle continues. The struggle continues to make me stronger. I want more for me in this life and I plan on getting it.

Aged rusty Brodie knob, or steering wheel spin...Image via Wikipedia
I just have to figure out the last part a little bit more. Or at the very least get a hold of the wheel a bit better and steer the ship forward, releasing myself from the ropes that hold me down.

1 comment:

Mrs. Bachelor Girl said...

OK, I know you didn't write this asking for advice, but I'm going to give you some anyway, a) because I'm like that and b) you could have written this post for me, oh, about four years ago.

First of all, I do not have it all figured out. Not by a long shot. But I do know this:

"Am I supposed to be at a certain place by a certain time?" No. No, you are not. It's so easy to compare yourself to others. Trust me, I wasted a hell of a lot of time looking at my friends' houses and cars and promotions and thinking, "What am I doing wrong?"

What you are supposed to be is happy. And what you are supposed to do is what makes you happy, what's worthwhile and, ideally, what makes other people's lives a little better too. Today, that might be one thing, and tomorrow, it might be another. It might even change from hour to hour. And that is A-OK.

Because if you live your life with those three things in mind, then you WILL find your Golden Path, and everything (well, a lot of things) will fall into place. It may not happen next month or even next year, but it WILL happen. I promise. I'm living proof.

Am I rich? HA. Am I famous? Yes, among DOZENS. Am I happy? Unbelievably.

Am I finished? Not hardly.

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