by: Justin Tison
I want to give so much of myself to the world. I want to be successful. I want to be proud of myself and what I do. I want those closest to me in my life to be proud of me and what I have accomplished.
I swirl around in the wind pointing towards nothing and everything at the same time. Where do I go? I am burdened with these questions now more than anything else. It’s not as if all my life is bad, it is just the professional aspect that tears at my heart and burns my gut. I fear the future because I do not see where I am going. I do not see my purpose.
When do people find professional success? Am I supposed to be at a certain place by a certain time? The societal burden of being successful, the measures that we as Americans use to determine our self-worth, leave me wanting so much more. They leave my heart feeling empty and unsatisfied. Why cannot I live off the love I give and receive each and every day? I would be one of the wealthiest people on the continent if that measure of personal success was used by those around us.
My life is brimming with love often to the point where I run out of places to store it. It is a career and the prestige that supposedly comes with that I am missing. Why does this leave me longing for so much?
With a life filled with so much love, laughter and happiness I should want for nothing. Yet I sit here, self-worth diminished because I cannot figure out where I belong in the rat race.
I wonder how many people experience the opposite of this. How many people have nothing in their lives but their jobs and experience no love or personal happiness? Are those people happier than I am right now? Is there unhappiness greater? Is it just different but no less stinging and uncomfortable? Do they long for what they do not have? Is it as obvious to others?
I have a lot of questions right now and am searching for the answers. Probably like most people in this world. The struggle continues. The struggle continues to make me stronger. I want more for me in this life and I plan on getting it.